The English Lesson
Attached is the script to “The English Lesson” – a script I wrote with serious coaching (or guidance or something) from my friend Amie Barrodale who I went to high school with and who is a great writer who occasionally emails me with a brilliant and exciting scheme and then is off to something more brilliant and more exciting.
“The English Lesson” tells the story of a wormy, closeted momma’s boy who gets his comeuppance from a Croatian gangster and his sex-starved wife. There’s not a likable character in it and a very large part of me wishes it had been my thesis project at UCLA.
You can download the pdf here or scroll down. I promise that (I think) it’s funny. I want somebody to make this film.
EXT. AMERICAN SUBURBS - EVENING - ESTABLISHING (PRESENT DAY)
INT. LIVING ROOM - EVENING
A large pad of paper on an easel, inscribed in bold felt
marker: "THE ENGLISH LESSON." Tracking away, we see first a
TEACHER in his forties - buttoned into a shirt and tie that
seem borrowed from a school uniform. Then, THE ROOM,
expensive but tacky, stuffed with foreign bric-a-brac. We
land on OTAR MOSHFEGH, a 60-something Croatian gangster with
bushy eyebrows and the wild presence of a violent alcoholic.
The Teacher and Mr. Moshfegh look O.S. expectantly.
ANGLE ON: INNA MOSHFEGH, Otar's wife, 30's. Potato-shaped
and wearing a colorful and too-revealing cocktail dress. She
looks back at the pad of paper, nervously mouthing the words.
Finally, she speaks the title of the film, in a thick
Croatian accent:
INNA
The English Lesson.
The men shake their heads.
OTAR MOSHFEGH
A month of lessons and we have only
this. Can the woman be taught?
THE TEACHER
It's not an easy tongue to master,
Mr. Mosfegh, but she's full of
potential.
INT. DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC SAFETY - DAY
A muscular YOUNG TONGAN stands in front of a curtain. He
covers one eye, making a face. His UNCLE enters the frame.
TONGAN UNCLE
(in Tongan, no subtitles)
Well, read it.
YOUNG TONGAN
(in Tongan, no subtitles)
It's a "Q" - how do you say it in
English?
TONGAN UNCLE
(in English)
He say "Q".
ANGLE ON: The Teacher, barely visible behind the D.P.S.
counter, an EYE CHART mounted on the wall behind him.
THE TEACHER
No, sir, you said "Q". I didn't
understand what he said.
TONGAN UNCLE
He say "Q"!
THE TEACHER
We don't issue licenses to
families, sir. If I can't
understand his answers to my
questions, I can't expect him to
read traffic signs, can I?
TONGAN UNCLE
Yeah, man, you bet you can. Ask
him other question.
THE TEACHER
(reluctantly)
The letter after the "Q".
The uncle starts to translate.
THE TEACHER
Shhh! I'm asking him. (to young
man) WHAT'S THE LETTER AFTER "Q"?
YOUNG TONGAN
(in Tongan, no subtitles)
Aw, man. Fuck this.
TONGAN UNCLE
Give me break, buddy. We come
three times so far, okay? I don't
translate, man. We not cheating!
THE TEACHER
Sir, this is not my problem.
YOUNG TONGAN
(in Tongan, no subtitles;
getting angry)
Tell him to give me a damn license!
The Tongans lean over the counter. The young man is
enormous. He wrings his massive hands.
TONGAN UNCLE
Look, buddy! This bullshit! He
need license! What we supposed do?
We come three damn time so far!
What we supposed do?
The Teacher, not intimidated, turns to the young Tongan.
THE TEACHER
I suggest that you learn English.
YOUNG TONGAN
(in English)
I fuck your mother.
THE TEACHER
See? You're off to a brilliant
start. (to line) Next, please!
EXT. PUBLIC LIBRARY - MIDDAY
The Teacher posts flyers for his course by the library door.
Inna exits the library, holding a copy of "Dirty Dancing."
Again she's overdressed and showing too much skin.
THE TEACHER
Inna. Hello.
INNA
(surprised and looking for
the words)
Good -- day!
THE TEACHER
How are you?
INNA
I am good.
THE TEACHER
(correcting her)
You are well?
Inna twists her face and mumbles in English and Croatian.
THE TEACHER
What is it, Inna?
INNA
You...
THE TEACHER
Yes?
INNA
You are... Um. You. You are
looking lov-eh-ly today.
THE TEACHER
No, Inna. I'm looking "handsome,"
because I'm a man. You, as a
woman, are looking "lovely."
Inna giggles.
INNA
Oh! Really! Thank you so very
much. You are so nice. Then, you
are handsome. You handsome man.
THE TEACHER
Thank you.
Inna approaches, rolling lustfully towards him. She's
instantly full of confidence.
INNA
In the class. I like very much the
looking at you.
THE TEACHER
That's nice, but a little much. We
don't want to be too familiar.
INNA
But I want to get familiar. The
life is lonely and cold.
THE TEACHER
Enough.
INNA
My husband has nothing for me in
his pants... You know what it
means to be man.
The Teacher retreats from Inna, terrified.
INNA
Everything is okay?
The Teacher looks at a BROWN BUICK idling in the parking lot.
THE TEACHER
No! No - Inna, it's about your
husband.
INNA
Forget him.
THE TEACHER
He isn't paying me. We've had
seven weeks of classes and I
haven't seen a penny. I'm going to
have to cancel.
INNA
No!
THE TEACHER
Yes. Absolutely yes. And now?
Now, with these... advances.
Advances I have no idea what to do
with?
Inna presses against The Teacher.
INNA
You don't worry a second. I tell
him pay you, he pay you.
THE TEACHER
Yes, I must be paid...
INNA
You don't worry about my... What
you call?
THE TEACHER
Advances?
INNA
Inna make you happy, baby!
Inna touches The Teacher on the nose. He scrambles from
beneath her and runs towards the waiting Buick.
I/E. - BUICK SKYLARK - CONTINUOUS
The Teacher's elderly FATHER and MOTHER wait for him. His
father, small-eyed and mole-ish, is behind the wheel. His
mother, rigid and skeletal, sits in the back seat.
TEACHER'S FATHER
Who was the young woman?
THE TEACHER
My lunch break's almost over, take
me back to work.
TEACHER'S FATHER
A friend?
THE TEACHER
Father! I said drive the car.
The Teacher's mother looks out the window at Inna, still
standing in front of the library.
TEACHER'S MOTHER
Is that the Croat's wife?
THE TEACHER
I'm sorry?
TEACHER'S MOTHER
The Croat entrepreneur, owner of
the video store. Is the woman at
the library door his wife?
THE TEACHER
Yes.
TEACHER'S MOTHER
Has the Croat paid you? Did you
broach the issue with the woman?
THE TEACHER
I did. I told her that I intend to
terminate the class.
TEACHER'S MOTHER
How very brave to walk away without
your money.
THE TEACHER
It's not important.
TEACHER'S MOTHER
Thirty dollars twice a week for
seven weeks. Four-hundred and
twenty dollars. And you consider
it just for the Croat to withhold
this money from you, when it could
be applied towards the food that
you eat, or the roof over your
head? She must be quite a woman.
The Teacher looks at Inna, who waves.
THE TEACHER
Drive the car.
INT. HOME OFFICE - AFTERNOON
An model ship, three feet long, and perplexingly intricate
lies in near completion on Otar's desk. Inna sits next to
the model, casting agitated glances at the model cars,
planes, and boats that fill the room. Otar enters.
INNA
Why did you not pay him?
OTAR MOSHFEGH
So, now you speak English?
INNA
I never ask for nothing at all, and
you still don't pay him. It makes
thirty dollars only and you don't
pay. You act like some big shot.
OTAR MOSHFEGH
Thirty dollars plus thirty dollars
makes thousands, woman. I did not
become what I am by throwing out
thirty dollars to every asshole.
INNA
I see him today. He says he
doesn't come anymore.
OTAR MOSHFEGH
Ha! We find another.
INNA
I don't want another.
OTAR MOSHFEGH
Why so much love for this teacher?
INNA
Pay him.
Inna grabs a mast of the model ship.
OTAR MOSHFEGH
Who you talk to anyway with all
your fancy English?
INNA
I tell you, pay him!
Inna snaps the mast off of the model.
OTAR MOSHFEGH
(in Croatian)
Stop it, woman!
INNA
Pay him!
She snaps off another mast.
OTAR MOSHFEGH
(in Croatian)
I won't tell you again!
INNA
Pay him!
Otar slaps Inna across the face. Inna looks at him and
knocks the model to the floor. It breaks into pieces.
INT. DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC SAFETY - AFTERNOON
An attractive blonde YOUNG MAN steps up to The Teacher's
counter. Good looks don't conceal that he's mentally slow.
YOUNG MAN
My mom told me I had to take these
papers here, so I could drive.
The Teacher looks up at him, cracking a rare smile.
THE TEACHER
Well, let me take a look.
The young man hands The Teacher some papers. The Teacher
rifles through the papers. They are BLANK.
THE TEACHER
(handing back the papers)
Okay, I'm going to need you to fill
these out.
YOUNG MAN
Oh... I fill them out?
THE TEACHER
Uh-huh.... I have a pen if you
need one.
The Teacher hands the young man a pen. With some effort, he
sets to filling out his forms. Smiling, the Teacher watches
him write for a moment before DIALING HIS PHONE.
OTAR MOSHFEGH (O.S.)
Hello?
THE TEACHER
Mr. Moshfegh?
OTAR MOSHFEGH (O.S.)
Who is this?
THE TEACHER
It's the English teacher.
OTAR MOSHFEGH (O.S.)
Ah, yes. Inna tells me you've
decided to terminate her lessons.
THE TEACHER
Terminate? I don't think I used
that word. I'm worried about the
bill.
OTAR MOSHFEGH (O.S.)
So, we're having a money problem?
THE TEACHER
You haven't paid at all, sir.
OTAR MOSHFEGH (O.S.)
I am a man of many concerns. Small
matters occasionally escape me.
Your check is in my desk.
THE TEACHER
Really? Oh.
OTAR MOSHFEGH (O.S.)
So, you come. You take your money,
you leave? You don't teach my wife
English?
The Teacher looks up at the young man. He has put on a pair
of ugly plastic glasses that erase his good looks.
THE TEACHER
If there isn't a problem over the
bill, there's no reason I can't
teach your wife.
The phone clicks.
THE TEACHER
Hello? Goodbye, Mr. Moshfegh.
The teenager hands him the forms, incomplete and illegible.
INT. GARAGE - NIGHT
Three of Moshfegh's HEAVIES work with women's hair dryers,
shrink-wrapping bootlegged DVD copies of "Dirty Dancing."
There is a knock on the metal garage door. The door opens,
revealing The Teacher holding his over-sized pad of paper and
his easel. The three heavies stare at him, icily.
THE TEACHER
I am here to teach Mrs. Moshfegh
English.
One of the heavies gestures towards the back door.
INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER
Inna and The Teacher sit alone in the room, opposite from
each other, across a coffee table. The easel is set up,
displaying a stick figure of a man. Beneath the drawing are
the words: "Handsome" and "Good-looking." Under these words,
there is a stick figure of a woman. Beneath this second
drawing are the words: "Lovely," "Pretty," and "Beautiful."
There is a stack of flashcards in front of The Teacher.
INNA
I'm happy you come back.
THE TEACHER
Mr. Moshfegh told me he intends to
pay me. I'd prefer to have the
check before we begin.
INNA
He busy! He pay you! No problem!
THE TEACHER
No problem?
INNA
Yeah... Okay.
THE TEACHER
I've made flashcards of problem
words from last time. Say them,
then use them in a sentence.
INNA
Sure, sure.
The Teacher holds up a card. It reads: "Drink."
INNA
Drink.
THE TEACHER
Yes.
INNA
Otar drink a beer.
THE TEACHER
Otar drinks a beer. I drink a
beer. We drink a beer.
INNA
Otar drinks.
The teacher holds up the next card. It reads: "Deep."
INNA
Deep... The swimming pool is
deep. The ocean is deep. Deep.
The next card. It reads: "This."
THE TEACHER
This is an important word. This
word on this card is important.
INNA
This card.
THE TEACHER
I used that example. Try another
with this word.
INNA
This word is this.
THE TEACHER
No, I used that one, too.
INNA
This table!
THE TEACHER
Now, in a sentence.
INNA
This swimming pool is deep.
The Teacher is flustered. The next card reads: "Forbidden."
INNA
Yeah, yeah. Smoking is forbidden.
Cell phone is forbidden.
THE TEACHER
Cell phones are forbidden.
INNA
Okay!
The Teacher looks through the stack.
THE TEACHER
Oh, this one, this one you must
have heard on television.
He holds up the card. It reads: "Passion."
INNA
(trying to sound like an
announcer.)
I have a passion for weather. I am
passion about coffee. Yes, it
comes from the TV.
THE TEACHER
Well, in the real world, we don't
use that word very often.
INNA
Oh, no?
THE TEACHER
That's a television word. People
don't have passions for coffee or
weather. It's a little too much.
INNA
Too much.
THE TEACHER
Which is a mistake you make over
and over again. You use words that
mean too much. When you talk like
a television, Inna, you sound
ignorant.
The Teacher takes the pad off of the easel.
THE TEACHER (CONT'D)
For example, earlier today, you
sounded ignorant when you tried to
pay a simple compliment.
INNA
Sorry.
THE TEACHER
Nothing to apologize for, we're
fixing it. First of all, you said
I looked "lovely". "Lovely" is a
word to describe a woman. I told
you, to describe a man, you say
"handsome".
He points to the pad.
THE TEACHER (CONT'D)
Or even, "good-looking." But all
of these words are... Well,
they're too much. People don't
tell people that they're "handsome"
- they say "You look nice."
INNA
You look nice.
THE TEACHER
The same is true for women. I
could tell you that you look
"lovely" or "pretty" or "beautiful"
but that would be too much. It's
more likely that I'd say "you look
nice."
INNA
You look nice.
THE TEACHER
Because, if I called you
"beautiful", it would mean
something. It would mean too much.
INNA
You think so?
THE TEACHER
Yes.
INNA
Hey. Don't worry.
THE TEACHER
It isn't a worry, Inna. Or even a
rule. This is how people talk.
INNA
So, you wouldn't call me veautiful?
THE TEACHER
Beautiful.
INNA
Yes, veautiful.
THE TEACHER
No "v". It's a "b". Beautiful.
INNA
Veautiful.
THE TEACHER
Buh. Buh. Buh. It's a "b".
INNA
Veautiful.
THE TEACHER
You're biting your lip. Let go.
Pout. Beautiful.
INNA
Pout?
THE TEACHER
Just put your lips together, don't
bite them. Like the beginning of a
kiss.
(exaggerating the gesture)
Buh... Buh... Buh...
INNA
Veautiful.
The Teacher leans across the coffee table, and roughly pulls
Inna's bottom lip out from under her teeth.
INNA
Beautiful.
She looks at his fingers, resting on her face, rises, and
kisses him, vicious and slobbering. He is petrified.
INT. HOME OFFICE - SIMULTANEOUS
Moshfegh is rebuilding his model ship with tweezers and
plastic cement. Near him, A HEAVY reads a paperback.
THE TEACHER (O.S.)
Mrs. Moshfegh!
The two men look up when they HEAR the shout. The heavy
looks at Moshfegh for an order. Moshfegh shrugs.
THE LIVING ROOM - THE LAST FEW MINUTES OF THE LESSON
The Teacher is flustered, but recovering. Inna seems at
least momentarily tamed. The two are conjugating.
THE TEACHER
Run.
INNA
I run. You run. He... runs. We
run. They run.
THE TEACHER
And yesterday.
INNA
Yesterday, I am running?
THE TEACHER
I ran.
INNA
I ran. You ran. He?
THE TEACHER
Ran.
INNA
For all. He ran. We ran. They
ran.
THE TEACHER
I ran from trouble. I run when
chased. I am running right now.
Inna stands. The Teacher eyes her nervously. She thinks for
a moment, then she dashes towards him, straddling him in the
chair, burying his face in her chest. The Teacher stammers,
but is paralyzed. She kisses him, again and again.
The door opens. The heavy from Moshfegh's office enters.
Inna stops kissing The Teacher. The three of them eye each
other, unsure of what to do next.
INT. HOME OFFICE - LATER
Moshfegh sits at his desk. The Teacher stands near the door.
The model boat forces The Teacher to tiptoe and contort to
see Moshfegh. Moshfegh repairs a tiny rope with plastic
cement on the tip of a paperclip.
OTAR MOSHFEGH
A moment please.
Moshfegh works on the model for a while. The moment grows
and grows until The Teacher is forced to speak.
THE TEACHER
If you'd prefer, Mr. Moshfegh, I
could simply take my check and
leave you to concentrate.
OTAR MOSHFEGH
I'm sorry.
An awkward silence.
THE TEACHER
I said, we could settle the bill,
and I could leave you alone.
OTAR MOSHFEGH
Sorry, when you get to be my age...
THE TEACHER
The bill. You said you would pay
me.
OTAR MOSHFEGH
Your check, yes. Please, take a
seat, there.
Moshfegh ceases work on the boat. The Teacher sits.
Moshfegh fishes in a drawer, emerging with a check. He
starts to hand the check to The Teacher, but stops.
OTAR MOSHFEGH
My wife. She is very happy with
your lessons.
THE TEACHER
She's a very good study.
OTAR MOSHFEGH
She is in love with you, of course.
It breaks my heart. But, you love
my wife, she loves you. (Switching
into a sing-song) You are young,
you have everything...
THE TEACHER
You have entirely the wrong
impression.
OTAR MOSHFEGH
... If only I could fly like the
butterfly, spoke the caterpillar...
THE TEACHER
No. Mr...
OTAR MOSHFEGH
Maybe she is too coarse for you?
The travel and hardship has made
her like animal? Wild and ugly?
THE TEACHER
Absolutely not!
OTAR MOSHFEGH
(sing song)
Sweet love...
THE TEACHER
Mr. Moshfegh. Your wife is one of
my... My favorite pupils. She
has a passion for...
OTAR MOSHFEGH
(deadly serious)
Listen, English teacher. You think
you can be better for her? You
think you can treat her like she
should be treated? You think I'm
sleeping giant, some fool who
doesn't see what happens? You
think I allow some fancy young man
to steal off with my most precious
treasure now that I am old and too
tired to give her the things that
she needs?
THE TEACHER
You couldn't be more wrong.
OTAR MOSHFEGH
These are questions. I can't be
wrong while asking questions. An
English teacher should know this.
THE TEACHER
Please, just give me my check.
OTAR MOSHFEGH
Maybe you're right, you know?
(sing-song) Who am I to stand in
the way of young love? Look at you
- you're flying!
THE TEACHER
I'm not interested in your wife,
sir. Not one bit. I'm happy to be
her teacher, but that's all there
is...
OTAR MOSHFEGH
A low woman. You think she is low.
You think I am low.
THE TEACHER
The check. All I want is the
check. I swear to God I'll never
come back here.
The Teacher stands.
OTAR MOSHFEGH
(sing song)
Easy, sweet lover, easy. A man
says things about his wife, they
sound hard, I think. Harder to
your ears than mine.
THE TEACHER
Can't you hear me? I want the
check.
OTAR MOSHFEGH
(sing song)
It is spring...
THE TEACHER
(shouting)
THE CHECK!
Moshfegh looks up. A heavy sticks his head into the room,
but Moshfegh waves him away. He leans back in his chair.
OTAR MOSHFEGH
Your check is on the desk.
The Teacher approaches the desk, sizing up Moshfegh,
nervously. He snatches the check, quickly.
THE TEACHER
Thank you.
The Teacher starts to back towards the door, edging around
furniture, threatening to topple the miniatures that fill the
room. At the door, he turns his back on Moshfegh.
OTAR MOSHFEGH
(shouting)
YOU SON OF A BITCH! DO YOU KNOW WHO
I AM?
The Teacher turns, frozen in fear. His lip trembles.
Moshfegh rises, swiping the model ship from the desk with a
broad gesture. He crosses towards The Teacher.
OTAR MOSHFEGH
We find a paper at the library. My
wife wants to speak English. You
promise to help us. I let you into
my home. And you - you make
romance. You play every one of us
against the other. Week and then
week, you play your game. You walk
through our back door, like family.
Do you see where you are? Do you
know these men around you? Do you
know the things we have done in the
places we came from? And you, you
treat us like fools? You fuck my
wife and come to me for money?
The Teacher recoils.
OTAR MOSHFEGH
What will you do with that check?
The Teacher shreds the check.
THE TEACHER
I promise, you'll never see me
again. Never.
He looks up at Moshfegh, whose violent rage slowly fades.
OTAR MOSHFEGH
(sing song again)
I hope that is not true. A lonely
woman needs something to look
forward to. Someone to teach her.
Moshfegh smiles, a grandfatherly smile. The Teacher,
bewildered and now crying, turns and exits.
INT. GARAGE - MOMENTS LATER
A heavy opens the garage door to let The Teacher exit. The
Teacher covers his face to hide his tears from the men.
INT. HOME OFFICE - LATER
Two heavies clean up the wreck of the model ship, salvaging
what they can. Moshfegh stands over them, fretting.
INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER
Inna sits in a chair, doing light aerobics in front of the
television, following a show intended for geriatrics.
INT. BEDROOM - LATER
The teacher's mother sits in her twin bed watching the
aerobics show we saw at the Moshfegh's. The teacher's father
sleeps in his own bed. There's a SOFT KNOCK on the door.
TEACHER'S MOTHER
Come in.
The Teacher enters. He's a mess.
THE TEACHER
Hello, mother. I just wanted to
tell you I'm home. I hope... I
hope I didn't wake you.
Slowly, mother turns to look at son, with spite in her eyes.
The Teacher's eyes are pleading, begging her not to ask.
TEACHER'S MOTHER
Did you get the money?
CUT TO BLACK.
Hi David,
I agree, the whole thing of people rating down other people’s stuff sucks, and is more widespread than we’d like, to be entirely honest. We actually don’t want a Ponzi scheme, because the people who come in just to rate their friend’s stuff (and vote down the rest) are not really the community we want to build.
So, why have ratings at all? Because we anticipate having several hundred submissions to this and other programs like it, and our hope is that a real community can help us to identify the stuff that merits the most attention. We are looking at all sorts of things to do to improve this, including weighting ratings differently based on a user’s history with us, but in the meantime we are basically reading and watching everything.
What can you do to help (assuming you want to)? Submit your project, we’d love to see it! And rate the other ones honestly, and encourage other people to do the same. Some people actually are offering constructive comments and ratings, and we are paying attention to that.
I hope you’ll give it a go. If you have questions – anyone else does – you can find me at geoff massify com
Thanks.
Thanks for the reply, Geoff – sorry to be slow to approve it. I submitted, and retracted, because I found myself doing what I described – Ponzi-ing for my own stuff… Which is crass and lame, but at the same time, I think what makes for a good filmmaker (an overwhelming passion to get his/her work seen instead of the work of his/her peers), makes for a bad web community member. It’s not just an online thing… How many festivals have you been to where the audience choice award goes to the film that brings the most cast/crew.
Anyway, I bowed out – but I hope you got great submissions.